The Colbert Report/Episode/552
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro SEGMENT1 * bright, shiny faces * amigos, compadres, muchachos * Annual Mexican holiday that commemorates the five jars of mayo that lasted 8 days ** conga line * careful of swine flu * prepare three-bean dip ** each kind is quarantined * covering all of it with cilantro * has a pinata ** in a hazmat suit ** filled with tamiflu * won't let him * will win man-pig-salsa competition SEGMENT2 * Stephen is excited about Souter's retirement * if you need a lobotomy every year, you need a new lobotomist * gun club is declared * Robert Bork ** speech by Ted Kennedy ** anti-Bork commercial featuring Gregory Peck ** editorial with Muppet * everyone knows who Obama will select * legalized stem cell research, they will have to grow the nominee in a petri dish * Cliff Sloan ** book: "The Great Decision: Jefferson, Adams, Marshall, and the Battle for the Supreme Court" ** previously vetted two Supreme Court nominees * Souter was considered a conservative * Justice Dave Matthews ** and flip like Souter * predicts close to zero chance that a white male will be chosen * many of the previous Supreme Court justices have been white males * firsts: ** Jew- Louis Brandeis ** black- Thurgood Marshall ** woman- Sandra Day O'Connor * want a playmate for Kennedy * Obama is a Chicago politician ** he has this thing and it'd fucking golden ** may sell it * claims that Dr. Colbert has no chance to be Supreme Court justice SEGMENT3 * Dr. Colbert believes Obama's decision terrorists will know how to prepare * if they know we will push them against a wall ** instead of KSM, we'll face Koolaid Sheik Mohammad * how will we treat prisoners of the future * prisoners of public opinion ** they can't go out in public * patriot's reputations could be irreparably harmed * Tonight's Word: Captain Kangaroo Court * We need torture trials * The Mob claps for the hummer * all for a trial, the right kind of trial * a fourth grade boy asked Condi: * law of double negatives * kid gave Dr. Colbert a great idea ** trials should be conducted by children * kids will accept "I told you so" as a legitimate answer ** explain to a jury of children * Mr. Bunny was a bad, bad bunny * President Raccoon * magical letter written by lawyer squirrels * let the children decide * children are the future, if we explain torture the right way, we will have a future where torture isn't wrong Interview * Paul Rieckhoff ** book: "Chasing Ghosts: A Soldier's Fight for America from Baghdad to Washington" * we can forget about WWI, sorry Doughboys! * working to make sure returning veterans will get the assistance they need ** employment ** medical care ** education * SupportYourVet.org * for years punditocracy was able to * is asking for The Colbert Bump * we need the vest to betrayed like Rambo * If Reickhoff wears a wig ... ! * believes Obama is off to a good start ** funding ** GI Bill ** record keeping system ** eliminated private health companies * what are the challenges ** education ** employment ** healthcare * will make Dr. Colbert an honorary member * gave Stephen a special piece of gear that resembles his Target nipple birthmarks Epilogue * Dr. Colbert asks The Heroes to remember that there is no "I" in team, unless Apple comes out with an application called iTeam. Get on it Jobs! Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments